Understanding disrespectful behaviour and building a better relationship with your teen.

When we were growing up, we wouldn’t dare be disrespectful to our parents. Sure kena rotan! Now, teenagers aren’t afraid to argue, answer back, roll their eyes, or give you that sour face if you do something ‘uncool’. Sounds familiar? I know how you feel, same here; where did my sweet baby go?

But… is it disrespect or is it independence?

Nobody wants their Ah-boy and Ah-girl to grow up. So sometimes it’s hard to accept that our child has an opinion, a point of view, a voice that wants to be heard. Especially when they’re yelling at you at the top of their lungs and giving you that face. 

However, research has shown that disrespectful behaviour comes from the teen feeling that their autonomy is being threatened. What’s autonomy? You know lah, being able to make your own decisions and independent choices—just like an adult. Your teen doesn’t want to be treated like a child and be made to feel like their opinion doesn’t matter. No one does! 

It’s important to also understand that teenage rebellion is a way for your teen to establish their identity, to step out from your shadow, push boundaries, and become their own person. This is when they are figuring out what they stand for, exploring their feelings, and building their own community outside of their family. Which explains why they would rather hang out with their friends. They listen to that weird, loud music. And they want to not look like you. 

This is actually healthy, and a good thing! Why? You want your teen to develop their own independent identities that get them ready to live on their own. Parents, this is what we want! Faster, fly away then can collect your CPF.

So… how? Well, here are 6 hows.

1. Don't make it personal

Yes, it’s super hard not to take it personally when you are in the line of hormone-loaded fire. Teens are experts at using their words to hurt. A simple ‘chey’ can cut deep. But your best defensive move to their attack is to chill, as they would say. If you stay calm, you will be able to respond effectively. Remember, the behaviours are not about you, it’s just your teen expressing their frustration.

2. Deal with the action, not the person

When addressing your child’s disrespectful behaviour, it’s easy to focus on their character. Left dirty plates in the living room again? “Why are you so lazy?” Hogging the TV and watching a programme that no one likes? “You are such a selfish person!”

It’s no surprise these types of negative, personal attacks only cause arguments and make teens more rude and stubborn. Instead, explain “when you don’t help keep the house clean, I feel you don’t respect the rest of us who also live here.” Or, “I feel hurt that you didn’t consider what I would like to watch on TV.”

3. Set clear boundaries and consistent rules

Teens are just toddlers with a better vocabulary (that’s why they can talk back like nobody’s business!) So in some ways, you should use the same strategies. And like toddlers, teens need boundaries and rules to function in. It doesn’t have to be a long, complicated list. It could be as simple as when to study, when to go to bed, or the amount of screen time allowed. The key is to have realistic rules that the teen can agree to, and be consistent in keeping them. Most importantly, following through with consequences when they don’t. This way the teen understands the boundaries and trusts that you stand by your words.

4. Use praise, and even humour

Sometimes we focus so much on the bad behaviour, we are blind to the good. Make a point to acknowledge when your teen does something nice or thoughtful. Thank them for cleaning up their room or throwing the rubbish away without being asked. Call out their achievements in their activity or special interests. And when things get a little tense, try humour. Be okay to make fun of yourself, even. 

5. Choose your battles

So they chuck their clothes around the laundry basket and not in it. So what that they’re always wearing that ugly pair of jeans with holes. Are these hills worth dying on, getting into heated arguments and hurting your relationship with your teen? Really? Choose your battles. Some are just not worth fighting over, especially when the real win is a healthier relationship and better communication with your teen.

6. Be a role model

We’ve all heard this before: Respect is earned, not given. You may have even said it to your teen! Well, they’re wise words, and you should live by them. Treat your child with respect, and model respectful behaviour. This could be as simple as learning to listen to them (as much as you want to be listened to!) Respect their opinions and how they see their world. And this one can be hard for some of us proud mamas and papas—admit if you have made a mistake and apologise. It shows that it’s ok to be wrong and make mistakes sometimes. What it also says is you treat them with respect, love and understanding. And that will break down more walls than yelling and nagging.

When you’re in the thick of teen angst, it’s easy to think the worst. But remember, it’s a phase they are going through. Be patient, be kind, and be there for them.