How to start that awkward but important conversation with your child.

As it is, no one wants to have “the talk” with their child. You know, the birds and the bees – that already is super awkward. What more if talking about porn! Of course, we can be like our parents and just pretend it doesn’t exist.

But, things are different now. Most kids these days have mobile devices. Screen time is unsupervised, and for some, access to the internet is unlimited. The bigger problem is pornography is easily accessible and sharable. Did you know 16% of children in Singapore have been involved in online sexual behaviours? Sometimes it’s unavoidable; kids don’t even go looking for sexual content, it comes to them – video games, anime, pop-up videos online, movies!

So no choice. You know you need to have that talk. But how?!! It’s ok, let me help. As parents, this is where I think we can start to make that talk less awkward. Less, ah. You will still cringe, and feel pai seh, and want to stab yourself with a durian, but it won’t be so bad.

5 Ways to make it less awkward

1. Practise, practise, practise

You know how you make your kid practise the piano every day? Or make them memorise their maths multiplications table over and over and over and over…? Now, your turn.

Write down three to four points you want to talk about, then practise what you want to say with your friend or your spouse. The important part is to say it out loud a few times. Hearing yourself express your thoughts will help make it feel normal, well, normal-ish. The person you are practising with should be someone you can trust, who will be honest with you and help you get over your embarrassment. So no laughing ah!

2. Make the time & keep it short

Timing is so important. Don’t pick a time when your teen is tired, like after CCA or tuition. Worse, don’t pick a time when you’re tired or stressed. It’s a personal issue, so make it a private moment and think of the best one-on-one time that’s casual with low stakes. Try talking when they’re in the car with you, or out shopping, or after watching a tv show at night when your child is a little more relaxed and less guarded.

Of course, there will never be a perfect time. So whatever moment you can find, keep it short. No need to be lor soh, it doesn’t have to be complicated. The aim is to share bite-sized information that you think is important, before they run away screaming in horror. And view this as a WIP, and not a one-time thing. Make it ongoing at every stage in their lives, even if it seems they don’t want to listen.

3. Admit it's awkward for you too

Talking about pornography is like upsizing the awkwardness. EVERYONE is feeling it big time! But kids don’t realise parents also want to go hide in the bomb shelter. If you show you’re vulnerable, they’re more likely to be less defensive. So admit you feel uncomfortable about talking about it, but also let them know it’s important to you. Say something like, “I can understand you feel awkward. I feel uncomfortable talking about porn too. But is it ok if I share some information that I think is important?” 

4. No judgement, no shame

Remember, this is an ongoing conversation. Try not to nag, or make them feel ‘bad’, or ‘dirty’, or unloved because they looked at porn. Instead, be honest and open. Encourage them to ask you questions. Don’t feel upset that there is no response. Create a safe space for your child to express themselves. And mummy and papa, this is the time to learn to listen. 

You're set. Now talk what?

Of course, every family is different with different values and expectations. It’s a little easier if you stick to facts and giving information, and not opinions. Your main goal is to be objective and keep the channels of communication open. Here are some areas you can start that chat, but the best place to begin is to talk about what you know and are comfortable with. 

1. It’s not real

We adults don’t have to watch pornography to know it’s not real. But kids don’t realise there’s a big group of people behind the camera, they don’t understand it’s staged and produced for entertainment. So talk about what they’re seeing is fake, created and directed by a video crew, just like a movie. The difference you want to point out is that porn sex is about fantasy. It separates sex from kindness and caring, respect and dignity, and focuses on the physical act. Explain to your kid that real-life sex comes with emotions, like love and enthusiastic consent, and real human connection.

2. It changes what you find attractive

Another thing you may want to discuss is how porn objectifies people and gives a very false idea of beauty. Women in porn are typically very thin with large breasts, while men are muscular and more endowed. Real people come in all shapes and sizes.

Being exposed to the stereotypical roles and body images in porn can mess with our kids’ expectations of their relationships with their partners, especially sexually. They might find it more difficult knowing what’s normal and what isn’t, and wanting their sexual actions to mirror what they see on screen, and then feeling disappointed when it doesn’t live up to their ideal. This can set up our young people to have unhealthy, problematic relationships in the future.

3. I just want you to be safe

It’s not just about being exposed to sexual content. It’s being exposed to violence and non-consensual sex like rape or physical harm. Studies have shown that over time, consumers of porn can be desensitised and chase more aggressive, extreme and deviant content to get that same arousal. Also, there are few or no safe sex practices in porn; condom use is rarely seen. Talk to your child about how you want them to be safe, make good choices about their health, know what it means to establish personal boundaries, and value their worth and protect their sexual health. 

4. Don't limit it to sex

Ever heard of sexting? Smartphones these days make it easy to take and send intimate videos or photos by text. The problem is once a sext is sent, it’s in cyberspace! Your teen no longer has control over it. People can share it, copy it, and use it to bully and shame. So must talk to your kids about privacy and protecting their reputation.

They should also know that in Singapore, it’s an offence to send obscene material electronically, like a nude photo or sex video. Jail and fine! So if they receive one, they should know that the right thing to do is to delete it, not forward it. But it’s also important that they know that section 7 of the Children and Young Persons Act (CYPA) Chapter 38 protects anyone under the age of 16 from being made to perform any sexual act. So if a text or photo is sent to your child under 16 urging them into having sex, they are protected by law and they shouldn’t be afraid to speak to the police.

Conclusion?

Make the talk an ongoing, evolving conversation, and remember, a conversation is both talking and listening. So, parents, we need to listen to our own advice: sometimes must close our mouths and open our ears. And with an open heart and mind, you can do it.